January 26th – I felt nauseous all day and it was hard to breath at times while I waited for their call. I finally got so impatient at 1:47pm that I called them. I could not keep myself distracted for more than 3 minutes – that result was all I could think about. The lady I spoke with said they were making their calls and should be calling me shortly… so I waited some more.
2:30 I called a client… and while it was ringing, Dr. Sobel must have called. He left a voicemail, and I prepared myself to listen while I was sitting in the parking lot of Michaels. I could feel the blood pumping through my body. Excited, scared, hopeful, doubtful, a little bit of everything… a very somber Dr. Sobel – “Hi Michele, this is Dr. Sobel. Michele, I don’t have good news for you today. I’m sorry. The bloodwork for the test today was negative, I’m so sorry….” My heart stopped and sunk – way down to my toes. That hope briefly disappeared, and as I’m typing this at 10:39pm on that same day – I am weeping again.
How was I going to pull myself together, go on an appointment, and then tell Jake later this evening? How? How could I even possibly drive home right now… how could I get through the evening. Even though I didn’t know how I would do it, I am thankful that client appointment was scheduled ahead of time, otherwise I may have just curled up in a ball and tirelessly cried all evening. Instead, I was able to pull my mind away from it for a few hours, which in turn ended up being what I needed. I wanted to call and cancel, but I am thankful I didn’t.
I truly felt your prayers on the drive home, a blanket of comfort began to surround me as I pulled on to Route 30. I could hear text after text coming in that you were each praying for the results. I value those prayers, texts, messages, and calls. You got me through today, and for that I thank you.
When I told Jake, he held me. Closely. Just what I needed. I made dinner and we snuggled up to watch some TV while eating. And then… we decided to catch up on some of “This Is Us” – big mistake. The episode they found out they were having triplets, bought their home, and flash-forward images of the babies and bath time. My heart, my heart. Jake knew immediately. He comforted me and held me.
Jakob, I know you’re struggling too. You are so strong for me, but your desire to be a Father is so apparent in every aspect of your life. I am full of joy when I see you with children, and I cannot wait for you to experience life through the eyes of fatherhood. Please pray for him as he, too, stumbles through the valleys of this journey – there are peaks ahead, but we really need you in the deepest, darkest moments. We know we’re not alone, but many days it feels as though we are. It’s hard, it’s raw, but the Lord is carrying us through this. We ask that you help carry us too. Laugh with us, cry with us, and rejoice with us.
PRAISE #1: I needed to call that client in that moment – so I was distracted. If I would have waiting 30 seconds more, I would have had to call the client AFTER I received the news. I was also able to play the voicemail for Jake.
PRAISE #2: Thankful for Dr. Sobel and his heart and compassion. You hear it in his words, and you see it in his actions.
PRAISE #3: We went out for a DATE NIGHT on Saturday night! When we entered the theater, we ran in to a very dear friend! Thankful for her hugs and prayers in that moment. I don’t see her often, but we were able to sit next to her in the theater (praying for you too, dear friend!)
What’s next?: We are taking a month off from the medication and testing – it was a lot on my body, and I had to make the decision within a day or two after finding out I was not pregnant. That’s a lot to handle. We’re working on the grant applications, and will be moving forward with another round next month – unless we have a MIRACLE in the meantime!